How do I title this....

It has been months since I sat down and tried to devote some time to this seriously neglected blog.  I planned it all week.....Friday night will be the mad blog marathon night in which I catch up on a lot of blogs.  I am not going to disclose how many 'blogs' are sitting in the draft box! :o)  However, it is just now that I am sitting down.  Kids won't sleep, they keep fighting over the silliest things, I threaten, I take toys away, I get angry, then my oldest is yelling so loud that I feel the blood begin to boil, as I just got the youngest down and he is not a heavy sleeper.  Luckily he sleeps through the commotion.  I walk into their room to see what is going on, and my oldest had puked.  He is desperately trying to clean it up (bless his heart for trying, but it kind of made more work for me), so I just spent the last half hour cleaning up puke (you know why he puked----he was chewing on a dumb balloon and he made himself gag, so up came everything he had for supper).  Yup, my Friday night blog night alright!

Ever since I started blogging I have 'blogger brain'.  I am not sure if that is a real term or not, I think I made it up and maybe it's not even the right term.  However, those who blog will get what I am saying (I hope---maybe I am mad)......you know the constant blog posts running through your head at sometimes the most random and inopportune times.  Yup, I think I would have thousands upon thousands of posts if I only had the time to sit down and write out all of the posts that flow through my head.  At the same time, I am glad that I haven't wrote some of these posts out as they would reflect emotions that I am not really proud of. 

Hence the reason for a long, much needed break.  The last few months have been a bizarre roller coaster ride of emotions.  I, unfortunately have not handled it very well.  In fact I have really went into hibernation mode and have not had the desire to be around anyone or anything.  I have hit a wall of depression like I have never ever experienced before.  I have cried a lot, I have yelled a lot, I have taken emotions out on my husband and my kids and I am so not proud of that.  I have never felt so desperate, I have never been so angry, I have never felt the range of emotions that I have had these past few months.  I am not going to go into the details, some are gory, breath taking, miraculous, horrendous, venomous......see a roller coaster!  At one point we were instructed to take legal action, I wanted more than that.  My husband has been the sane one, the solid rock, the one to remind me that God does see and knows everything, that God does vindicate. 

I feel like I have had to do this so often since becoming a Christian, since devoting my life to Christ. Turn the other way and let Christ vindicate. So many horrible, hurtful accusations, lies, rejections, words, so many false assumptions, feelings of abandonment, of never belonging, of never being understood.  Who do I trust? Who do I turn to?  Who will understand me? Who will accept me and all of the mistakes I make?  Who will love me no matter what?  Who will see and hear and accept the burdens I have in my heart?  Who will take this pain, sorrow, sadness from me?  Who do I go to for help when I can't do it anymore?  Who will give me peace, give me rest? Who will help me with the physical suffering, the mental anguish? Who will have mercy on me?  I have the answer, I have had it all along, but I have been searching in the wrong places.

I realized something, and it took me to get to this broken, fallen, messy point in my life.  God is enough. He knows everything I am going through, he knows my every thought, even when I try and 'hide' it from him.  I don't need to 'fit in', I don't need to try to reconcile and restore relationships that have went south for the 100th time and be blamed continuously for them when I have tried everything and it isn't reciprocated. He knows the steps I have taken.  I don't have to prove myself to people who will never see or accept the truth.  I don't have to let the pain, and heart ache of being rejected for the way I desire to live my life fully for Him consume me.  I am not alone in this.  He loves me, He loves you, He created me, He created you and that has to be enough, that will be enough. 

There have been these verses, that I have pondered for months now.  I have read commentaries on them, I have read every single translation I could get my hands on, I have talked to my husband about them,  I have yelled at God about it, I have begged him to leave me alone, I have tried to hide it, reject it, but He is relentless and He never gives up.  For a week or so, it seemed that every time I went to the Bible, it was right there, I would go online to read scripture and guess which verses appeared.  I would read blogs and here was the same portion of the Bible. You would not believe the people that He all of a sudden brought into our lives.

God of All Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-11) ESV
³  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.^{[a] 6}  If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷ Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

⁸ For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers,^[b] of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. ¹¹  You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.


 So my God, is the God of all comfort, he knows all of our afflictions and he really truly has used these afflictions that we have had to endure to comfort others.  It is not an easy road, it will never be. I have begged Him to take us out of Ministry as I haven't been able to handle it, I am not ready, I am not equipped, I am not good enough and I really haven't had a loving heart.  However, he hasn't, he isn't and he won't.  In fact, He has thrown us into it, into it like we have never been before and it is scary.  He will work through our weaknesses, He will be there to comfort us. He is enough!