On May 28, it was two years ago that Dad passed away. It has been on my mind for a bit now and I had been thinking about a "memorial post" that I wanted to do and I thought I had it all planned out, but now I just can't seem to express what I thought I wanted to express and feel so emotional and can't stop crying. I also just read my Sister's blog post and well that is what started all of this emotional stuff!
People often told me that sometimes it may take a while to really truly grieve and/or sometimes it will just hit you and you will be in tears in the strangest moments. So as I am sitting here typing this I can't believe what a blubbering mess I am.
A lot of people thought that I was the strong one when Dad passed away. I guess I felt I had to be and I know that God had a lot to do with that, but we also had so much to deal with at the time that I never really let it hit me and I almost became numb to everything for my own sanity and survival. Until today, when it has hit really hard for some strange reason.
The day that Dad was diagnosed with Cancer was the day that we found out that our little Zech was going to survive and that I wasn't going to miscarry. Two weeks prior I drove myself to the emergency when I started hemoreaging at work. It was horrible and the way they treated me at the hospital was even worse. They told me that I was losing the baby and there was nothing we could do! But pray.... and pray we did. I had a large tear and there wasn't much hope, but God works miracles and two weeks later we went to the ultra sound to find out that everything was perfect and our little baby was going to be ok.
So from the doctor's office we crossed the street to the U of A hospital as the family was all called in. I knew deep down that the news was not going to be good, but we were trying to stay positive and were still on a high from finding out that Zech was going to make it. So when we were told that Dad had Cancer that day, it was such an emotional roller coaster. Like being pregnant isn't already enough of an emotional roller coaster!
The emotional roller coaster continued. We shared in some really happy moments when Mel and Cory were married, and Mari and Tony were married and Dad seemed to be getting better. We also got news that I had a two-vessel umbilical cord rather than a three vessel one, which meant that they would be monitoring me with various ultra sounds. There was a risk that Zech's livers and/or kidneys would be affected. And then we also had to see Dad during his tough times, but he always seemed to have his sense of humour and his concern for everybody else but himself. So the emotional roller coaster continued!
I remember one day in April I drove out and spent the day with Dad. He was having a good day and we talked quite a bit. He kept looking at my belly and of course had to touch it and was so amazed, and happy that I was going to be a Mother. He asked me how I felt about being a Mom and I of course shared all of my feelings of happiness and complete and utter fear with him. He told me that I was going to be a great mom and of course that meant the world to me and still does!
After Dad passed away, my blood pressure was high and I spent the remaining 4 months on bed rest. 4 months is a long time and I sadly watched my body turn into a balloon and have struggled ever since with the weight I put on. It was also a time to think about all of the moments that Dad was going to miss and all of the great times that we did have with him and are so incredibly grateful for. Scenarios played over and over in my head. Conversations that I had with Dad (some good, some not so good) kept playing over and over and I kept wondering whether or not he knew that I loved him. I wondered if he knew how much God loved him.
I do really miss him and I am so grateful for all of the wonderful memories we do have of him. I guess these past couple of years have been so chaotic with my pregnancy issues, Dad being sick and then passing away, my cousin Corby passing away at such a young age, an emergency c-section to save my baby's life, Zech's health issues, losing my Grandma and well we won't go into the whole Australia experience. It just seemed to have really hit me hard these past couple of days.
Plus we also just learned that a young guy that graduated with my sister and that we spent many a bus rides with passed away in a tragic ATV accident. He was so young and his wife is so young to be a widow. John and I were talking last week about "what if" one of us passed away. I know it seems like a pretty morbid topic, but it was an important one for us to discuss. The greatest sense of peace overcame us both because while we couldn't imagine life without one another, we know that if anything ever happened to one of us we would be with the Lord in paradise and will meet again and spend eternity basking in God's love and glory! It also made us think about all of the people that do not know the Lord and have not accepted the Lord into their hearts........... we just never know when it is our time and we both felt a great sense of urgency for these people.
But to end on a happier note, I wanted to show a picture of my Dad (it's not the best quality) when he was 19 months old and a picture of Zech when he is also 19 months old. See if you can spot any family resemblance........
1 comment:
OH, Vanessa - this must have been such a hard post to write! My heart goes out to you. You really have had quite the time these last few years. But it is marvelous to know that God never gives you more than you can handle and He is always right there, beside you, with His arms around you. What a marvelous friend and Father we have. And He welcomes our tears and our questions, just as you do for your child.
And your son is so much a part of your Dad - amazing how that happens! ((( HUGS )))
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